i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
