Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I didn't notice because vodka
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
