Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
