just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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