Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
