u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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