somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
