Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
