made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
