I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
