All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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