Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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