babies were throwing up all over the place
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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