well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
