i permit you to call me
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
