I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
