Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
