You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
