i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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