what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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