everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
