My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
