She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
