I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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