Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
