Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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