i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
