i think my mom watched the whole time
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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