Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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