I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
