so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
