I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
