So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
