At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize