I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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