no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize