I can text with my tongue
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
