Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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