she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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