May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
