Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
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