Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
There's always time for handjobs
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
