i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Farmville is her only friend.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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