Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
