You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
