Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize