SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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