i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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