Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize