Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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