Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
