that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
