if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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