woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
