The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
