I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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