im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
smell my finger.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
