I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
