Don't you send me to vm
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
