ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
