I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
