Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I need water and some morals
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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