Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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