You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
